What I've Learned in my 29 Years

So in true celebratory style, I plan to work a 12 hour day. The birthday bonus? I get to sleep in until 6:30, and I’m gonna make me 2 runs to Starbucks and go for a max bench. Yeah, baby. I know how to party!!

So I figured there was no better way to blog my birthday than to re-cap what I have learned thus far, and all it will take is 29 points. That’s both ingenious, and extremely disappointing to think that all I know will be summed up in only 29 points. I’ll probably have to scramble to get the last five or six in, too.

1. No matter how hard I work, there are always those who are working harder and able to be one step ahead of what I am doing. They are the ones who drive me forward to try to achieve more with my life and get more out of my days on this earth. I will never be the best, but I can always be better.

2. Love usually happens accidentally. Take the Future and I. We met at work when she saw me squatting in a tight Under Armour shirt, and thought “Hey, I gotta get me some of that.” Little did I know, I didn’t really have a choice in the matter.

3. 6 years later, I still don’t have a choice in the matter.

4. Everyone is someone else’s weirdo. Which means someone out there thinks everything you do is weird. Be alright with it, and try to freak them out even more. It’s more fun than you think. When others do something that freaks you out and that you think is weird, remember, they think it’s normal. Is that weird?

5. A university degree will teach you exactly three things: how to recover from hangovers, how to make macaroni and cheese last for three completely different meals (hint: use the cheese in your sandwich the next day!), and how to multitask required projects for deadlines.

6. Exercise is important to everyone for every factor relating to their health. The more you do, the better you get. Most people don’t get nearly enough, and those who don’t get enough will usually get sick and die earlier than those who do. Wanna go workout now??

7. No matter how much influence we have over their daily lives, Americans will always be ignorant of what Canada is all about. This isn’t their fault, as we don’t like to tlk about ourselves all that much. That being said, we are bigger, and we’re on top. If this was jail, America would be our prison bitch.

8. The smartest person in the room is typically the one who says the least. He’s also the one who dresses like an elf and knows Dungeons and Dragons inside and out. He’s also never kissed a girl. And does everyone else’s math homework. And will eventually run the company you get fired from. So be nice to the nerds of the world, you’ll probably work for a few of them.

9. Your man-card will be immediately revoked for any of the following infractions:

Anything by Justin Bieber on your iPod

Having an enduring crush on Celine Dion

wearing Capri pants

Using enough spray tanner or fake & bake to look orange

Hitting a woman

drinking a chick-tini drink at a bar at anytime, regardless of who you’re with or who gives it to you

Carrying a man purse of any kind. We all know what it is. You can call it a “carry-all” all you want, but it’s still a purse.

10. I grew up with two older brothers who taught me what to do to not get caught, and also what happened if I would get caught. Everyone should have an older sibling, whether one from birth or one somewhere else in their lives, so that way they can learn how the world works.

11. A monkey riding a dog will always be funny.

12. The effects of concussions are long lasting and can last a long time.

13. The effects of concussions are long lasting and can last a long time.

14. No matter who you are, you hate it when you get cornered by a group of people singing “Happy Birthday” to you. It’s always too slow, too loud, and the exact same as every other time you’ve heard it. Also, the people singing it seem to take pleasure in the fact that you are uncomfortable with them singing to you. Sort of like watching Simon Cowell on American Idol.

15. Any trainer who can’t seem to get busier needs to learn about injuries, how to prevent them and what they can do to improve them.

16. Jilian Michaels is full of shit.

17. Regardless of what field you’re in, the most outgoing and popular people will tend to be the best paid. This is like the Tao of high school all over again. Being an introvert has little value in any setting, so let loose and let people see who you really are.

18. You can tell someone you don’t agree with their ideas or even say they are stupid to their face, and for the most part they will accept it. Question their religion, and they will rain down with a fiery vengeance.

19. Everyone is wrong about everything. Even me. I’m wrong about this. Absolutely.

20. People who love their jobs are the happiest people in the world, regardless of what they make for money. People who hate their jobs are the most depressed, angry, and abusive people in the world, regardless of what they make for money.

21. There should be a law stating that anyone caught talking on their phone during their workout will be severely beaten and have their phone call interrupted with “SHUT UP AND WORKOUT!”