Think The Biggest Loser Trainers Are Crap Now? Just Wait!!

Okay.

I have a need to go on a rant today. Bear with me, and hang on for dear life. We’re gonna get a little out of control today, but I’m pretty sure you’re gonna like it.

According to an article on The Huffington Post yesterday, Anna Kournikova, the former tennis star who never really won any championships yet found a way to wear a braid and make stupid amounts of money by having no expression whatsoever, has decided to attempt to be a trainer on the Biggest Loser.

She’ll be replacing Jillian Michaels (THERE IS A GOD!!) on the next season, as well as the two boxing trainers who were apparently a stroke of genius on the part of the executive producers to bring into play, which means there won’t be as much demeaning and screaming at fat people who have no self-esteem.

When I first heard this, I almost wound up having a bathroom accident, as one of my alone-times during the day is checking out what’s happening in the world on my Blackberry while having my morning constitutional. I scrolled over this, and it was like a bolt of lightning, and I dropped my phone, narrowly missing the bowl, and causing some unexpected, um, waterworks to occur as a result. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. Let’s just say that in comparison to this, I wouldn’t even bat an eye if the Pope himself came into my club holding a kitten, and then proceeded to kick said kitten across the gym, give me the double finger and say “F&#k you, trainer boy!!” and storm out, slapping our receptionist on the ass. I would have simply said “Ahh, there goes the Pope.” But this caught me off guard.

Here’s the funny thing: morbidly obese people tend to have a lot of health issues to go with the fact that they’re very obese, which means the trainers SHOULD have some knowledge of things like diabetes, hypertension, dyslipidemia, hypothyroidism, osteoarthritis, and other fun things, which tend to take a lot of time and, I don’t know, EDUCATION to be able to safely work with. Now I’m sure that after hiring a meat stick like Jillian Michaels, their educational standards were shown to be very high indeed, but COME ON!!!!

Now let’s assume that the producers aren’t completely short-bus stars, and went to the effort of actually making sure she got her ass some sort of certification. My guess is that it would be along the same lines of what Michaels got, which was the ACE certification, an on-line certification where the only real pre-requisite is having your check clear. To top it off, the course actually states that trainers are not qualified to work with the morbidly obese, or those with serious medical problems, or more specifically, anyone that would be on The Biggest Loser. But hey, what do I know.

Now as she’s been an athlete all her life, she’s worked with countless trainers who’ve no doubt taught her a few things about training. Great. But to say that this alone qualifies her to be a trainer is like me saying I’ve had a lot of dental work done, so therefore I should be a great dentist. Sure, I know my molars from my incisors, and know what a filling is and why you need a root canal, so what more do I need to know??

Let’s call a spade a spade here. The only reason she’s going on the show is to make some money, seeing as how her tennis career is over and her modeling days are coming to a close soon. All the power to her for seeing an opportunity and trying to capitalize on it. I’ll slow clap the hell out her making bank off the stupidity of others, and I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we see a “Kournikova Kleanse” hitting the shelves and causing massive explosive diarrhea across the country, coupled with her workout book in flawless English (written by the same ghost writers that wrote all of Michaels crap).

Now I know that educated trainers tend to make less than exciting television, but that’s because they’re taking time to do things like ensure their clients are safe and not falling off treadmills, designing programs they didn’t steal from Tony Little, and NOT trying to make their clients break down into sniveling shells of their former self. I get it that crying equals ratings, and in the ethical world of television, no stone is left unturned when it comes to creating an educational void in the minds of the television viewers. Is it any wonder that most trainers come into the industry thinking they will be making crazy bank within days, train celebrities all day long, avoid training fatties and only work with “serious clients” who want to work hard and get great results, only to find out that a serious client is made, not born, celebrities are the average Joes and Janes walking through the door, and the quest to making mad cheddar is dependent on the amount of value you can provide to your clients, and their willingness to pay you to get some of that value.

But hey, I’m sure Kournikova will be dressed in booty shorts, which will make her professional credibility go way up, right? I mean, who cares if she can’t tell her ass from her acetabulum, let alone spell “kyphosis,” if she can lean forward with straight knees in short shorts, right? That makes a trainer good, doesn’t it?? What the hell, throw some Vibrams on her and she’ll gain street cred with the CrossFit kids.

So what next, producers of NBC? Charlie Sheen as the world’s wackiest life coach? Joan Rivers as a self-esteem booster to troubled little girls? The Kardashians teaching at Harvard? The Honey Badger variety hour?

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Seriously, there are a ton of well-qualified trainers out there with bachelors and masters degrees who can walk the walk AND talk the talk, and who would also look good on television. Please don’t hire on a “celebrity trainer” for future seasons who also happens to be your favorite barista and who listed “working out” as one of their interests and hobbies on their application to serve you a latte in the morning.