In case you missed it, yesterday’s post had the first 5 types of trainers, and you can check it out HERE. Today, we’re gonna dive headfirst into the shallow end and figure out the trainers 6-10 and what the hell crawled up their ass. It’s gonna be a blasty blast.

Trainer #6: Meathead Trainer

Okay, you know this guy had to be on there. This is the dude who knows so little about training that he thinks he knows everything. A sample session from him goes something like this:

Uh, Okay, today we’re gonna train your lats, then your rhomboids, and then we’re gonna train your back.

Top it off with the fact that they view continuing education of any kind as a waste of time because “they never learn anything.” They spend most of their time flexing in the mirror rather than checking to make sure their client isn’t dropping a deuce trying to crank out leg extensions to failure and full-range crunches right before doing some max weight deadlifts. Think Jersey Shore, but with basic certification. They get their training technique pointers from Jillian Michaels.

How to Deal with Them

Ask then where their quadratus lumborum is. Giggle like a school girl thinking about Justin Bieber when they try to answer by pointing to their thigh.

Trainer #7: The “Bad Touch” Trainer

Boundaries? We don’t need no stinkin boundaries!! This trainer insists on stretching his clients in the most inappropriate way possible, caressing body parts and calling it “biofeedback,” and giving feedback in a waaaay too personal manner. You know, like stretching both hamstrings at once and putting your heels around his ears. They also go for ass-slaps at every conceivable time, specifically if they are getting ready to spot your back squats. He also likes to hug everyone. E-VUH-REE-ONE!!!  And the hugs last a few ticks longer than they should, with some slow stroking, and I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit there.

They’ve probably had a few lawsuits filed against them or at very least a few restraining orders. He tends to only train women, or very oblivious guys.

How to Deal With Them

A safety word. I suggest “Banana.”

Trainer #8: “Functional” Dude

This trainer insists that every exercise be as highly functional as possible, which means standing on one foot on a bosu while pulling on an elastic and curling a dumbell simultaneously while all the while being asked “can you feel it working??” The thought of lifting heavy shit makes this trainer shudder, seeing as how there’s no way it could possibly create any “real-world” strength gains. Oh, and along that same argument, I just pooped a chicken.

His crowning achievement was the day he could stand on the stability ball and bang out 10 squats. He can do lunges in 360 degrees, and would rather train nothing but body weight all day long than to pick up anything heavier than the 10 pound dumbells.

How to Deal with Him

Ask him how much he can bench.

Trainer #9: The “Toning” Specialist

This trainer shudders at lifting anything heavier than 20 pounds, and thinks anything less than 15 reps will turn them into a bulky and muscle-bound version of a human.Their clients are able to easily converse throughout the entire session because their heart rate isn’t going above 50% of their max, which means they will also develop tendinitis everywhere while trying to train for their marathons with nothing but long slow distance training.

Every client gets circuit training programs, and they call themselves “fat loss experts,” or “body transformation experts,” or some other form of self-appointment of the kind. They insist their clients eat 10 times a day, consisting of a maximum of 50 calories each meal, because they don’t want to slow their metabolism. Boot Camps get them excited and nervous at the same time.

How to Deal With Them

Set out a box of Tim Bits where they have to walk by every hour, and see how long it takes for them to pound the entire box and then spend the next week running 40 miles each day.

Trainer #10: The Good Trainer

Here’s a trainer who has taken some additional education, be it university or advanced certifications, and they put their knowledge to use. To top it off, they can actually hold a conversation with someone!! They show up on time, prepared, and ready to give some energy to their clients. They’ve attended a few conferences, and can tell the difference between a hypertrophy program and a rehab program for subscapular impingement.

They can balance working with a lot of clients in different types of training, either private, semi-private, large group or specialty programs, and are confident in their ability to keep it all together. They’ve worked with all types of people, but tend to focus on a specific niche, be it athletes, weight loss, rehab, or some hybrid of all types. They use old-school techniques and are constantly looking for new ways to improve their capabilities.

How to Deal With Them

Get some sessions and see what they can do for you. If anything, they’ll make you laugh and sweat all at the same time!

Each type of trainer will have some good points to make them stand out from the rest, and there will be different people who respond better with, say, a Baggage trainer than with a Meathead trainer. Hell, some people may not want to work with the Good trainer simply because they don’t get along. What? Not everyone can be excited about deadlifts and Family Guy.