I’ve noticed a bit of a disturbing trend as of late, being permeated through media, social cues, and admittedly in my own behaviour at times. Men, we’re losing our identity. Our hunter-gatherer instincts are being repressed by a hunt-and-peck texting imperative as we try to find craft beers and the store that sells skinny jeans while becoming completely helpless in scenes of household repairs, and oil changes.
What ever happened to the manliness of the turn of the 19th century? When did we as a society decide that it was a bad idea to forego intense facial hair, bare knuckle boxing, swinging a hammer and dressing like we knew what we were doing?
Bullfighting is the only art in which the artist is in danger of death and in which the degree of brilliance in the performance is left to the fighter’s honor. – Hemingway
In an effort to reclaim that which has been culturally lost or is in significant risk of stumbling towards ineptness, I wanted to compile an outline, a checklist so to speak, of things to be aware of, do and eat in order to reclaim the lost art of Manliness.
[Caveat: There’s actually a website called The Art of Manliness. I’ll make reference here and there if I agree with some things, but for the most part, I have found most of them to be useless to most and beneficial to only a select few]
1. Be a Man, Dammit
There was a time when a man’s duty would involve sacrifice for the greater good. Whether it was going to war to defend the honour and safety of his country, working overtime to put food on the table for the kids, or foregoing a fishing trip so he could help a son or daughter with a math assignment, he did it. Men gave and gave, asking nothing in return except respect.
The term “be a man” essentially meant nut up, take one for the team, and do what has to be done. This was the doctrine of the “Greatest Generation,” our grandparents and great grand parents who built the post-Depression era. This entails owning up to mistakes, facing consequences, fighting your own battles, and not creating fights when they aren’t warranted.
2. Be seen at your best, even when it’s your worst
There is never an excuse for looking like a schlub. Even on your day off, dress like you want to be seen. Wear pants and shirts that fit, that are clean, and if necessary that are ironed. It goes a long way to not only saving the life of your clothes but also to having people stop and pay attention to who you are and what you say.
Every man should have shirts with collars and cuffs, pants not made of denim, and an understanding of how each piece of clothing speaks of the others. If you can’t figure it out, look at old pictures of your grandparents and great grandparents. If they could look stylish while working construction, farming, or anything like that, you can do it while doing Sunday errands at the market.
3. Know how to make one really good drink, really well
Beer and wine are easy to go to, and takes absolutely no creativity or mystery to open, whereas a sidecar, martini, ceasar, old fashioned, or whatever you’re wanting to make takes a few steps, precision, and tends to open the party up a lot more than you would think.
A simple one to make is a Coffee Old Fashioned:
1 1/2 tsp instant coffee, 1/2 cup water, 2 tsp powdered sugar, 2 dashes bitters, 1 oz bourbon, 2 oz club soda. Dissolve the coffee in the water, then stir in sugar, bitters and bourbon. Add the club soda and pour that mix over ice. Throw in an orange slice or a cherry, and you’re good to go. Sip it slow and think about the flavour. It’s not a get-drunk-fast drink, but then again getting drunk fast is for the college kids.
4. Love Viciously
If you have found someone who makes your heart skip a beat, make them your priority. You may get your heart broken once in a while, but the stories of heart ache and loss are always much better than never throwing yourself headlong into a relationship, trusting that individual completely, and making them your everything.
Any slight to your significant other should be defended as if it’s a life or death scenario. The offender should know immediately where your allegiances lie, and how much you are willing to lose to provide for the one who means so much to you.
Love does not require specific days to show you care. Valentines day, birthdays and anniversaries are merely convenient. Celebrate because it’s a Wednesday once in a while, just because you can.
5. Grill. Preferably meat.
Much like a drink, you should be able to grill something edible on demand. You do not have to be a Michelin level chef, just someone who can make raw meat turn into something that makes mouths water for blocks. If you live somewhere that doesn’t allow grilling (like a condo or apartment without a barbecue area), you should still be able to cook something in or on an oven. Make it happen, as it’s always cheaper than eating out, healthier, and impresses others way more than ordering takeout.
6. Be able to hold a conversation
There is nothing less manly than someone who can’t converse with other guys, ladies, or people they have nothing invested in. Striking up a conversation with a stranger is how friends are made, and managing a conversation with those you care about is how you form deeper and more meaningful relationships. Understand the art of storytelling and how to make people hang on your every word.
7. Basic Manners never go out of style
The little things go a long way, even in a modern society where people may not respond as readily as they used to. Holding doors, pulling out chairs, saying please and thank you, referring to people as “sir,” or Ma’am,” and taking your hat off when in someone’s house all play important roles not born out of duty, but out of respect for those you are with. Also, if someone doesn’t say thank you for holding the door for them, the polite thing to do is never to chide them for it by snarkily saying “YOU’RE WELCOME!!” That’s just poor taste.
Manners are not a sign of weakness, they are a sign of respect and genial love for those you are with.
8. Know basic household maintenance
It’s not as important to know how to reinforce the foundation, re-route the plumbing, or update the electrical, although it’s great if you can. The basics like changing a light bulb, shower faucet, caulking a window, changing an electrical fixture, or even building a shelf should be mandatory knowledge. Even if you never need to, you should be able to at any time.
9. Know basic automotive maintenance
You drive a car, therefore you should know how to change the oil. Modern cars are more finnicky than the old ones, where carburetors were relatively easy to work with compared to computer-controlled fuel injection, but the oil filters and drain plugs haven’t changed much, so you should be able to at least do that on your own. Also, if you get a flat you should be able to change the tire, and have the tools in your car. Again, it’s great if you’re a master mechanic, but you should be able to do the basics.
To change the oil in your car, you need three things: a new oil filter (made for the make and model of your car), about 5-7 liters of new good oil, and a drain pan to catch the old oil from the car. Either use jack stands or a couple of ramps to get the car up so you can get under it, find the drain plus at the bottom of the oil pan, and unscrew it, making sure the drain pan is ready to get the oil as it comes out. Once the oil has drained, unscrew the oil filter and let it drain the same way. Pour some clean oil into the new filter and rub a small amount of oil around the seal so it gets better contact and prevents leakage when it’s installed again.
Screw the new filter in place where the old one was, and then replace the drain screw. Find the oil cap on the top of the engine and pour oil in through it, taking the time to check the dip stick after the first 5 liters to see if you have enough oil in there. It will show whether you need more by the level on the stick. If needed, put some more in, but not too much. Replace the oil cap and get the car on the ground again. Lastly, find a place to recycle the old oil that is not dumping it down the drain.
9. Have a sense of humour
Polls in every major media outlet have repeatedly shown that the number one trait women look for in a man is a good sense of humour. This doesn’t mean an ability to simply tell jokes on repeat, but to be humorous and to find the funny aspects of life and in conversation.
As an example of how such a sense of humour can have such a positive effect, check out this post about a conversation with a client and her cat.
10. Treat everyone as an equal
No matter whether you’re dealing with someone begging for spare change or someone who is the CEO of a major company, or your own mother, treat them with as if they are currently the most important person in the world. In their eyes in this instant, you are probably the most important person in their world, which is why they are choosing to interact with you.
This includes children. No matter how manly you are, if a 2 year old ever hands you a toy phone, you damn-well answer that phone.
11. Lift heavy, run fast, and know your limits
Perform heavy resistance training on a regular basis. This helps to increase testosterone and releases more growth hormone, which helps to build tissues and repair them after abuse from a hard lived life. Steady state running is catabolic, but relatively easy to perform which is why most people gravitate towards it. To get better benefits, run faster for a shorter period of time, and do it more in an interval fashion than in a continuous fashion.
If something hurts, understand why it hurts and then do something about it or something that doesn’t hurt. If you have no energy from a lot of hard training, take a day off. If you have no energy because you haven’t worked out in 3 weeks, hit the gym to find that energy. You’re not more manly by being stupid in the face of telling symptoms that something is wrong.
Also, play a sport with others to get a competitive direction to all the physical training.
12. Good hygiene is more than vanity
You should have a dedicated type of cleanser for your face that is different than the one for your ass. You should also brush your teeth and floss regularly, as no one likes a conversation with someone who has breath that resembles their rotting lunch.
That being said, you should probably stop short of having a skin care regimen and a medicine cabinet that is more over-stocked than the counter at Keihls. “High maintenance” is never a term that should be used to describe any man.
13. Swearing is only good for emphasis, not casual converation
Imagine if everything you read was always in all-caps. The meaning would be lost. The emphasis would be diluted, and the impact would be blunted. Much is the case with swearing. If every third word is shit, fuck, damn, hell, or any other variation, your ability to be understood, valued, and appreciated decreases dramatically, which makes others view you in less of a light.
Swearing is necessary when trying to prove a point, display extremes of emotion, or to catch someone’s attention who needs their attention to be caught. Outside of that, swearing is more detraction than benefit.
14. Provide an ear for everything, provide your opinion only when asked
We are usually too quick to show a solution without knowing the reality. For instance, I had a client who opened up to me about a history of abuse from her spouse. The quick answer would be to go to the authorities and have him arrested, which would have left her homeless and left her children without a father. She didn’t ask for my opinion, just that I listen. I guided her with questions to gain more information and to help her figure the situation out more, but never provided an answer, for it wasn’t my life to lead.
The more facts we learn, the harder the decisions become, which is a major defining criteria for the advice received from experts versus beginners. Those who know and have been there can offer much better advice than those who are merely looking in from the outside.
15. Give to charity, just don’t make a big deal about it
People who use charitable donations as photo-ops or ways of gaining social status are essentially just spending their money on marketing. I’m all for showing you care, but make sure there is some forms of giving that you don’t post or get media attention for.
Charity doesn’t mean simply donating money. It can be something as simple as volunteering to a non-profit agency, shovelling your neighbours sidewalk if they can’t do it themselves, or helping someone with mobility issues cross the street. Your ultimate value as a human being is defined by how you treat those who cannot do anything for you in return.
16. Be a very good Friend to as many people as possible
A friend is someone who will help you move. A good friend is someone who helps you move a body. When a friend asks a favour, you should be willing and able to help in any way possible, even if it means personal sacrifice.
17. Be well-read, but not pretentious
You should always communicate in person using words the people you are communicating with can understand, without speaking down to them or making them feel inadequate. One thing I’ve learned from writing this blog and trying to write for other major media outlets is that brevity is a lost art, and the ability to cut through meaningless dialect and technical jargon to get to the heart of the matter is what pays the bills.
Read as often as possible, with as wide a breadth of different styles and genres as possible. This will make you more intelligent, less devolved, and more able to flex your own style of actions depending on the situation.
18. Embrace your vulnerability and weaknesses. You are human, after all
We all have bad days, weaknesses, and fallabilities. Only guys on internet chat rooms have the ability to deadlift 700 pounds, back squat 800, bench 500, walk around year-long at 6% body fat, and possess and 170 IQ while making a half mil each year. If you’re not any or all of these, no worries dude, neither am I.
Don’t be afraid to be scared, to cry, or reveal yourself to others (in a pants-on, emotional way, mind you). We should all be willing to be self-effacing, and be called out without prejudice.
19. If you’re a father, then be one
Your kids think you are Superman until you prove you are not. Make them think it for as long as possible by providing a good influence and by being present as much as possible.
20. Be a master of your environment
Whether you live in mid-town Manhattan or in the middle of a forest somewhere in the mountains, understanding and embracing your surroundings will allow you to exude a sense of oneness that is impossible to fake.
These are by no means points that apply to every single solution, but will be a good set of guidelines for every man to build upon.
What did I miss? Let me know what your laws of manliness are or should be in the comments below.
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