I’ve seen some pretty dumb things in the gym over the years, but in most instances I can get an idea of what the person is trying to do or maybe even find one or two (or twenty) ways they may be able to improve on what they’re doing by some simple alterations. Maybe they need to get more anterior tilt with their hip hinge, maybe they need to retract their scapulae more, maybe they need to invest in some shorts that leave a little more to the imagination.

There are some instances where I’m pretty much at a loss for why the hell you would do something like whatever it is that exercise is called, but we won’t touch on that too much today, because we all have a secret love for those special people who make our days in the gym so memorable.

While I’m sure commenting on something like this will only affect one individual, it would also be pretty pointless as she finds some reason to include it in her repertoire, and as a result would more than likely be against any critique of its validity.

You’re different though, aren’t you? You take advice with a grain of salt, look both ways before crossing the street and shave regularly. What you shave is completely up to you, but IT GETS DONE, DAG-NABBIT!!

That’s why I know you’re going to take heed and follow recommendations to try to avoid doing these five exercises, for the reasons listed within, as well as so I don’t wind up shooting steam out of my ears if I ever see you trying your hat at them. One point to make now is that it’s not that (some of) these exercises are wrong per se, but they have a greater risk to rewards ratio, which means they’re probably being done incorrectly, and will probably mess your junk up as a result.

Exercise #1: Flyes

Whoah, whoah, whoah there cowboy. I know flyes are a common staple in a lot of programs, and to be honest I’ve even performed a few (dozen) sets of them myself. On each and every set my shoulder would burn like crazy, which, being a dumb young meathead, I attributed to “the burn.” The burn in question was my supraspinatus tendon being filleted between my humerus and acromion as it tried to keep me from popping my shoulder out of its’ socket.

First reason this exercise sucks is that most people will try to do it with perfectly straight arms, going too low, shrugging their shoulders into their ears, externally rotated almost to the end range of motion, and result in a tipped scapula that forces the rotator cuff and anterior labrum to take on more pressure than it ever should, which can result in a labral tear, rotator cuff tear, or any number of issues.

There’s a lot of ways to develop your pecs, such as presses and pushups with a thousand different grips and hand positions. If you really have to perform these kinds of movements, opt in for a cable standing flye instead, as you can at least get some core stabilisation and get your shoulder blades working without the support of the bench.

Exercise #2: Squats on a Bosu

…. or bicep curls, shoulder press, or anything really. Just stop.

Where do I begin with this. First, standing on a giant ball will only make you good at standing on a ball. II wrote all about it in a post HERE, so I won’t cover a lot of the same reasons why this is one of the worst training tools invented,right up there with Shape-Ups, Kangoo shoes, and the Tug Toner. Youtube that shiz, I don’t want it on my site. I have standards, you know.

Again, there’s a thousand better alternatives for this, like oh I don’t know, REGULAR SQUATS. When did an entire gym-going populace become such skilled athletes that they had to skip through the basics and jump right into training on unstable surfaces like they were going to compete in the cubicle olympics and had to get their 2-a-days in? Seriously, throw some weight on your shoulders and rep it out.

Exercise #3: Feet Elevated Stability Ball Crunches

An interesting thing happens when you flex your hips. You make up for the lack of motion a lot of people have in their hips when they’ve spent their lifetime sitting, and wind up getting that needed motion from their lumbar spine, specifically from their L4-S1 region. Once that’s flexed, let’s throw down some more flexion with compression and a little dabble of shear force on that sucker for good measure. Nothing says Bullet-Proof core like splitting your discs in half!!

Again, there’s waaaay better things you could do with your time than a low value and high issue exercise like this. Grab something heavy and go for a walk-about with it. Lift something heavier. Do a crunch, but do a proper one.

Also, if you feel like you should have to bang out 50,000,000 of these to get a ripped six-pack, try to make each rep a 100% max contraction and see how many you can get through. 10 or so and you’ll be seeing stars, plus you’ll probably actually accomplish something and get some results.

Exercise #4: Shrug Shoulder Rolls

Nothing says “cervical trauma” quite like this little beauty. There’s a reason everyone who has ever done these looks like they’re trying to forcibly get an erection while looking at a picture of Octo-Mom. The sheer abuse your neck and shoulder take up on this one is ridiculous and could be best described as “horrendous.”

If you want to work on developing some big traps, deadlifts work really well. The force your traps exert in order to prevent your scapulae from ripping off at your sides is pretty massive, as they’re all that’s holding your shoulders to your neck.

Another fantastic way to get jacked up traps, hang cleans. They require a fast forceful contraction from the traps to get the bar moving rapidly, and if done properly it can really make you hate life tomorrow work really well.

Exercise #5: Planks

Yes, I said it. Planks, as far as what most people consider them, are completely useless. They’re useless because they’re almost universally done wrong, evident by the 90 degree turn most people’s spines make around that L4-S1 region and the fact that a lot of people can hang out and read the paper for a few minutes because they’re just hanging on the integrity of their discs to hold them up, coupled with some thoracolumbar fascial tension. Maybe their feet are doing something too, but I doubt it.

If you’re going to do a plank, flex something for crying out loud. If I come by and gently nudge you, there should be no way in hell you should budge because you’re so solidly rooted to the floor you resemble a redwood.

The Hardstyle Kettlebell certification teaches their planks in one of the best variations I’ve ever seen, making it into a completely masochistic isometric contraction of every muscle in your body to keep your spine stiff and make you into a beast.

Once you get into this position, try to breathe a few times, and if you find it damn near impossible, you’re doing it right. 10 seconds or so should be all you can muster in one shot, and if you’re a rock star like that, start loading that sucker up with some chains, elastics, or left-over Easter dinner if you roll like that. Have a workout partner or that hot girl lifting the pink weights because she’s scared of getting bulky to sit on your back if you’re feeling brave.

As mentioned before, the vast majority of people do these exercises so incredibly wrong it makes my eyes bleed tears of sorrow, and even those who do them right don’t really get that much bang for their buck. With some small modifications and avoiding the crap like the plague, you can get a lot better results out of your workouts and live to tell the tale.