WARNING!! The following post is intense in nature, and may or may not cause you to become intense as a result. You’re muscles will swole, you’re significant other will attack you randomly, and you may develop a rash. Just sayin.

Let’s say you want to get stronger, because what the hell, who doesn’t?? Think you’re going to get there lifting a pink dumbell for 500 reps? No. Those pinkies would be best suited to prop the door open to allow some fresh air into the internal combustion engine that is

YOU

You get stronger with mind numbing, face splitting earth shattering intensity, baby!! This is the type of intensity that fries every single nerve in your body, making every muscle so tense that you get goose bumps from the tiny muscles pulling up your hair follicles. The tiny hairs are THAT intense!! The type of intensity only found in a Peter-Griffin-versus-Giant-Chicken epic 10-minute fights that have nothing to do with the plot. The type of intensity that just makes you want to shit a chicken you’re working so hard. The type of intensity that makes Les Grossman say “Damn, playa, take it down a notch.”

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I ask you, if you were a muscle, would you get much out of doing something like this?

I think not. The only sweat that would be happening would be from the heat of the sun, not the heat of the awesome boiling to the surface. Would you feel like growing or increasing your contractile velocity from doing something like this??

Who are they kidding with those styrofoam dumbells. What about by doing this?

Huh? What the hell does that do??? Is she waving at me with her feet? How come? Did she fall down? Probably not, since she’s smiling. What the hell is she DOING!??!? What the hell is this then?

Oh crap. Sorry. Sorry everybody, sorry. That’s intensity in a whole new world.

Now for a graphic description of what intensity truly is, I direct you to the sultan of intensity, Mr. Terry Crews.

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Can you match that intensity? Can you understand that? I thought so.

If you’re training with the right amount of intensity, you should be adding weight to all your exercises regardless of what they are. You should feel like you need to drop-kick a small fluffy kitten in the face after completing each set, and that the local police force should be warned of your awesomeness before it runs amok. You should be sweating ammonia you’re working so hard. You smell what I’m cookin??

Now I know you’re asking “But Dean, how do I know if I’m intense enough?” Well first off, shut up.

Second, I’ll let you know what’s definitely not intense, because it’s all too common.

Do you work out in a polo shirt? Epic fail. Additionally, do you work out in a track suit and have nothing to do with a track team? Is your track suit matching? Grand fail.

Do you use stability balls for anything other than a target for explosive kicks of rage after missing your last rep? Do you have an intense look when you work out, like this?

Didn’t think so.

When you train, does every single person in the place stop what they’re doing, jaws hanging slightly open, and being to slowly move towards you in a trance from the awesome intensity radiating from you, somewhat like moths wearing sports bras and Lulu Lemon? Is your shirt/pants/underwear still dry at the end of your workout? Are the safety bars in the power cage there to protect you, or those around you? Do you ever follow advice from Jillian Michaels? If you do then you can just get the hell off my site right now!!!

Is your iPod full of songs by Lady Gaga, Glee, or anything from Celine Dion? If it is, you should not exist.

Can you do this?

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If not, you’re definitely not intense.

Do you own a pair of jean shorts, or “jorts”? Because that is DEFINITELY intense!!

Complete the following phrase:

“My idea of a perfect evening is _________ followed by a refreshing _________   __________ and capped off by a nice long _____________.”

If you answered anything other than “max weight 5×5 deadlifts, metabolic conditioning circuit with requisite puke bucket refills, nap on the floor after losing the ability to stand and waiting to get the blood moving in my legs again,” you have no intensity. Please return to spin class.

Do you bring your cell phone out on the floor with you to workout? Do you text during a workout or make calls with it? You are not intense.

Do you do curls in the squat rack?

Do you stretch? Ever? I mean at all, because even reaching to tie your shoes counts. Also, do you ever drink camomile tea?

Do you take a pre-workout intensifier with compounds that you don’t understand but sound pretty neat-o in order to do sets of 20 reps of concentration curls? Yup, no intensity.

Do you play Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft, Farmville, Wii, or anything involving dancing? Do you watch Gossip Girl?

Sidenote, completely off topic. What the hell is Justin Bieber, and why does everyone keep picking on her? Leave the poor girl alone, she’s just trying to sing some sweet little girl songs.

……………

Wait. Hang…..

Hang on here.

It’s a guy? Really? Well then, light him the hell up!!

Here are some ways to tell if you have enough intensity to get the job done.

1. A priest has to come in to exorcise the demons others think you have when they hear you grunting and screaming.

“Hoooggrrrawwarrawawl!!!!!!” “I exorcise you, demons!! Take that!!”

2. You’ve purchased a mouth guard to use when lifting. This one’s not even a joke. If you have a weight lifting mouth guard, you are one tough mofo, and my hat’s off to you. Sir.

3. If you’re a girl, and you can deadlift more than the guys watching you who are wearing Ed Hardy or Christian Audiger and have more gel in their hair than Pauly D. The Future discovered this one when she was deadlifting her body weight for reps and then went in to doing power cleans. **sniff** I’m so proud of her.

4. If you can go into your next set without any rest, and simultaneously wishing physical violence on anyone within swinging range.

5. Do you have calluses?

6. You’re tears can cure cancer. Except that you never cry. Ever.

7. You once punched God in the face. This was forever known as the Big Bang.

8. You’re this guy.

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9. Do you have a lifting nickname that strikes fear in the hearts of mortal men, like “Buff,” “Big Guy” or “Mitch”?

10. Do you make lists about what intensity is?

Hopefully this little post helps to get you all jacked up and ready to go to town like straight-lining a 2 litre bottle of Mountain Dew straight into your right ventricle. Now get out there and lift something heavy, for God’s sake!!!