How to Survive Christmas Without Killing Anyone in The Parking Lot

I was initially planning on bringing you a list of some of my favorite things to buy this holiday season, but truth be told there’s already been a lot of people putting up posts about all their favorite things, so I didn’t want to give a lot of overlap on any of them. HOWEVER, if you want to pick up some really cool stuff, just head over to my PRODUCTS page or my RECOMMENDED READING page to see what I would want you to get to become infinitely more awesome and not suck at life in general.

Instead of that, I wanted to put together a survival guide for everyone who decided to leave their Christmas shopping to the last-minute and is going to brave shopping centres in this week before Christmas. I was fortunate enough to get most of my shopping done a few weeks ago, but admittedly I failed on a few gifts and have to head out on Thursday when I get paid to pick up a few other things.

I’ll be honest, I don’t like big crowds.

I tend to feel like the opening scene of Scarface and am always looking over my shoulder to see if any Cuban refugees are stalking me with the intent of silencing my quiet protests about pink dumbells and cardio. That, or it’s the bag of Hot-Mess walking through the mall, hacking up a lung and not covering his face while scarfing down some footlong hotdogs and a Cinna-bon while smelling like trans fat oozing through his pores that makes me more than a little queasy.

Be that as it may, I still have to get out and do some stuff. My gym is actually in a mall, but it’s a pretty unique mall, as it’s connected to a bunch of office towers and pedways between different buildings, meaning that during periods like lunch, before work and after work, it’s a zoo and I want to scissor-kick my way through the crowds to get me a coffee from Starbucks, and even then the lineup is 40 minutes long. The good thing is that during the typical “work hours,” the place is a veritable ghost town, which means by some simple scheduling miracles I can avoid getting all antsy while listening to the two girls on the escalator talking about how they thought Tracy Anderson’s comments about anything related to anything was sooooo smart and really spoke to them.

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Huh?? Okay, so she’s developed a system of training that “pulls the skin tighter to the muscle,” which essentially is the job of the autonomic nervous system and is beyond conscious control. Therefore, she is a gypsy, which would explain Kim Kardashian wanting to train with her.

Yeah, anyway, back on point. Let’s say you have some schedule lee-way this week, and you can make it to a mall during off-peak hours. You’ll have a better chance of getting in and out if you can get there between 9-11 or 1-3. THis may be impossible depending on your work, but it’s one option.

Another big hot-button issue with shopping is trying to find parking at some of the bigger centres. I’ve been stuck in that slow death game of musical chairs looking for a parking spot anywhere within marathon distance of the front doors, and it truly sucks. The best options are usually the overflow lots, but at this time of year it’s never really an option as even they fill up stupidly fast.

Public transit would be a better option, as buses or rail systems tend to have better drop-off points than others, but an even better option would be to travel with someone who can drop you off and pick you up when you’re done, foregoing the need to find a spot to begin with. If you wanted to, you could give a list to your spouse or friend who is crazy enough to venture into these dens of insanity and have them shop for you, while you go work out for a little while, and then reward their pure awesomeness with a hot chocolate or a gift card or something like that for all the inconvenience of it. Might as well delegate if you can.

So once you get inside where ever it is that you’re going to spend your cheddar, have a game plan in mind. Get to the main stores, know what you’re going to get, what sizes, what colors, what battery-operated accessories, get it and get out. I used to work at Foot Locker when I was in university (primarily for the discount, admittedly), and when it was busy I was helping about 10-15 people at once. You sitting there and asking me to get 15 different pairs of shoes in 3 different sizes isn’t going to fly very well, and you’re probably going to have to wait a while, so keep your choices to 2 or 3.

Another option still is to try to shop away from the malls, at more locally owned and operated retailers. They tend to stock a lot of similar things as the big box stores, but have way less traffic and don’t typically have some minimum wage angsty teen doing customer service and thinking they’re too good for their current job and how much their life sucks. Just wait till you’re an adult, junior.

The smaller stores tend to have their own parking, or ready access to street parking near by. You can get in, get what you need, and get out really easily and make your life a much lower stress situation.

Another option is to do your shopping online and spend the extra money to get overnight shipping. Rather than spending the time, gas money and remaining hairs of your hairline trying to fight through the crowds, dropping the extra $20 bucks to get quick shipping is often one of the best options. It also allows you to send things directly to someone living outside of your delivery area, which helps remove a step in the process.

 Lastly, try to avoid giving someone a material possession for Christmas. Instead, opt in for an experience gift. Last week I had a wrap-up party for my Boot Camp group, and instead of giving them something they didn’t need or want, or taking them out to a restaurant or for drinks, we went out to a cooking class hosted by another client of mine, and had a blast.

Everyone walked away saying the meal was incredible and they had a great time, so think of different experiences or services you can give someone instead of just crap to put under the tree.

So what about you? What tips do you have to help people not want to go postal and start picking people off with sniper rifles while singing “Jingle Bells?” Leave a comment below and share the love!!