Get Crazy Prison Fit

I had a consult on Monday where the person told me in absolutely the most uncensored way possible that his goal was to become so fit that he could tear through a chain link fence, and to get crazy prison fit. While I would love to lament and tell him that it’s probably impossible for a cubicle-existing drone to develop the build of a hardened felon who has to fend off roving bands of gang members and the occasional shanking, there are some methods to improve fitness that can be stolen from those behind bars.

Admittedly I’ve seen the results of some people who have done hard time and come out looking like they play for the Steelers. The funny thing is that their physiques tend to be more balanced than the average gym-goers as well. Maybe it’s due to the lack of anything better to do than to workout for 3 to 5 hours each day, or maybe it’s due to the higher than average volume of chin-ups and pullups in comparison to pushing exercises like pushups or dips that leads to some freaky development. Whatever the case, it seems to work.

Now hold on a second. I know a lot of people whose daily slog through their workday has a lot of resemblance to prison. They have supervisors, co-workers who are just plain creepy, they have to line up for everything they do, and they get a moment of freedom from the soul-crushing tedium of it all when they hit the gym. If this sounds eerily similar to your situation, then this may be the program for you!!

Now I would be reticent to suggest that in order to pursue a world-class physique that you should look at getting sent to the pokey for a long-term stay, especially if your idea of a lock-up is your local county jail. Sure, San Quentin may have a better culture more akin to packing on 20 pounds of twisted steel, but odds are you wouldn’t make it through your second set of bench press before you started having to wear a dress.  In addition to this, there’s also the simple fact that most prison exercise yards are just that – a yard. Maybe there’s a basketball net set up, maybe one lonely bench press, but you’d be hard-pressed to find a fully equipped weight room with standards like bumper plates and power racks to get your swole on, so you’d have to become a little creative. That being said, there are some ways you can build a prison-hard body without the criminal record, and I’d like to reveal some of them here for you today.

First, a major staple of most prisoner workouts is the chinup, and all the different variations that can come from it.  If you have nothing better to do, and the only alternative to working out was a slow steady spiral into depression and insanity, you’d want to bang out a few pulls as well. To get the best bang for your buck, throw in a set of chin-ups between each and every set of any exercise you do, going for max reps. Remember, you’re locked up, so weight belts would probably be a no-no. Flip your grip so that you go from underhand to overhand to wide grip and all over the place to keep the movement pattern as fresh as possible. Set a goal of working up to 200 a day. Like I said, you may be in there for a while, so it’s something to shoot for.

You can also throw in some partials, such as inch pullups, 10 at a time, moving a total distance of only 1 inch per rep. Try it. You’ll definitely hate life after doing this..

Net up comes the tried and true pushup. No while I’m sure you can probably bang out a few good solid reps, I want you to change a few things to make it prison-tough. First, squeeze your glutes as hard as possible. This will help increase your pelvic stability and give you a stronger foundation to push from. Also, you’re in prison, so, you know, it offers a measure of protection when you’re face down like that.

Next, spread your fingers, grip the floor, pull yourself to the ground, and explode back up, but only half way. Pause, then lower again. Bang out as many of these as possible, working at keeping the glutes flexed the entire time, and keeping the core stiff as a board. Once you collapse in a heap on the floor, take a minute to breathe, then repeat, this time using the top half of the movement only. For the next set, move the hands around to a different position, and keep changing it from now on.

Then comes some good single leg squats. These suck at the best of times, but hey!! You’re in jail!! You’ve got lots of time to get better at them, so buck up and get on one foot, gangsta!! Drop it like it’s hot for as many reps as possible without falling on your butt, and then repeat on the other side.

Finally, we come to dips. Sure, you could make the argument that dips cause negative effects from humeral head tracking in the glenoid fossa, but the Vatos are looking at you like you’re dinner, so you’d better get ready to throw down. Hit some bars, or at the very least hang off the edge of your bed and get some good ole fashion triceps shredding terror. Max your reps, ensuring you work hard enough to bring out repressed memories about the crimes against humanity you’ve committed. It will only serve to make you work harder, after all.

I seriously doubt any kinds of prison workouts would be much different from this, as there’s not a whole hell of a lot of budgetary expenses given to inmates workout facilities. I also doubt you would see much int he way of corrective exercises in the middle of a prison yard. It would only happen once that someone decided to bust out a set of walking warrior lunges across the yard, or a set of side-lying windmills. Just. One. Time.

Sure, this post may have taken on a bit of a darker tone than usual, but you gotta admit that’s one hell of a way to start your Monday. I mean, when someone’s sitting there saying he wants to be able to rip through a chain-link fence and get prison fit, you have to wonder about the background for his motives, but then I can’t think about it too much because then I may become an accessory to something. I plead the fifth, Your Honour. I only helped him to become super-human, I didn’t know that he would use his new-found powers to spring a crime spree upon society.