Functional Strength for Opening a Water Bottle

I did something incredibly strange and out of character this past weekend. I took a couple days off. It was a long weekend here in Alberta, and I pulled an executive decision and decided to take off Saturday, Sunday AND Monday, which marks the first time since Christmas that I’ve had a weekend off since Christmas. I still managed to get caught up on some writing and the odd program, but spent a considerable amount of time hanging out in my back yard and on my couch. I still managed to get in a workout, and also managed to spoil my wife for our second anniversary (today actually) with a nice new purse and a dinner out at a fancy schmancy restaurant.

As a result of having so much time off that I’m not used to, I wound up frantically checking social media every half a minute, you know, like normal people, and stumbled across this hapless fellow trying to open a water bottle in vain.

[youtuber youtube=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9c8-qUT6rqs’]

Now, I come from a family of mechanics and carpenters, with the odd welder thrown in for good measure. This guy failed the first three tests right here. First, he’s at a Met’s game. Second, he can’t open the water bottle. Third, he gives the bottle back without stabbing a hole through it in victorious absolutism, showing his conquest over the resilient bottle. So what if no one can drink from it now? THAT BOTTLE KNEW WHO IT MESSED WITH!!!!

Now the most obvious thing to me in this situation as far as why he can’t open the bottle is he’s in New York. I don’t mean this in a negative way to anyone in the Big Apple, but if we were to compare grip strength and opening capacity of someone raised in the Upper West Side versus someone who was raised on, let’s say, a farm, there would be no comparison.

Most of the toughest individuals with the best work ethic I’ve ever worked with were farm kids. They were brought up doing chores in the field and with the livestock, lifting fairly serious weights in a really high volume, and worked to get the job done. Off days were non-existent, because if they didn’t milk the cows or get the hay off the field, there would be serious consequences for the crops, livestock, and overall health of the family as a whole. They knew about leverage and body positioning and breathing, and could work circles around their city born counterparts.

Think about some of the toughest total body exercises you could do in a gym:

farmer carries, sledge hammer slams, atlas stone lifts, sled push, deadlifts, rope pulls

Farmers call that morning chores.

One of the interesting things about the gym is that most of the apparatuses (apparati?) have fairly ergonomic handles. This doesn’t bode well for building grip strength enough to tame that frisky water bottle.

With his forearm.

[youtuber youtube=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwmwCfKAttg’]

Maybe doing more exercise with small gauge ropes, cinder blocks, and chain would be better for building tougher hands.

From watching the video, I would also venture a rough guess to say maybe, juuuuuuust maybe, this guy has a moisturizing routine. My thoughts are that he may have had inadequate friction on the bottle top due to Kiehls hand lotion application before the third inning. This would explain trying to use the pocket of his skinny jeans to help provide some necessary friction to lift the lid, but to no avail.

A common bodybuilding staple to ensure that grip is not a limiting factor when gunning your lats is to use gloves or straps. I’ve used them as well and find they do give you an additional benefit when you’re approaching your deeper sets and have lost the ability to cognitively print your name. A downside to this practice of not specifically training your grip would be the lack of compressive force necessary to get the job done without being plastered across national sports networks.

Is there a way he could have avoided such embarrassment? Quite possibly. Maybe by changing a few things up in his workout program, moisturizing routine, skinny jeans, and desire to get the job done AT ALL COSTS could have saved him from the constant ripping to shreds from his friends and Facebook feed. Perhaps spending a couple days in a farmers field or in a mechanics shop would help toughen his grip to the point where he could pwn apples with his bare hands. Maybe get a size medium t-shirt with a deeper v cut to it. Then again, the dude looks pretty jacked, so I’m guessing that if that’s his goal and he could care less about opening bottles of water for people he doesn’t know, he’s probably pretty happy with his well-hydrated life choices.

One last thing before I go. As I mentioned earlier, it’s my wife and I’s second wedding anniversary. We’ve been together for almost 9 years, and I can’t imagine life without waking up next to her each morning. Please take a second and drop a comment below to wish her (and us) a happy anniversary. Have a great day!!