Now that summer is in full swing, everyone and their dog is getting the itch to get hitched.

Not to mention the fact that my own fantastic day o attaching a ball and chain to my person is almost 12 full weeks away, it’s got me thinking more and more about wedding stuff than I ever want to think about in my life.

We have to get TWO cakes? A fancy one costs HOW MUCH??

I have to get her TWO rings??

Seating charts? Chair covers?

Who the hell is aunt Ruby and why do we need to send her an invite? She lives in Tuktay-freakin-ucktuck and she’s never seen me. Seriously mom, she hasn’t seen you since before I was born, so she has no idea who I am or could pick me out of a police lineup!!

So while organizing and pulling off this little shin-dig may in fact involve more special ops info than the directions for a moon landing, I’ve been earning my husband brownie points for life by throwing a helping hand in wherever I can. I mean, I pretty much did the invites all by my handsome self, and they turned out pretty damn fantastic. I even sealed them with a wax seal, like some sort of royalty or something!!!

Now for some odd reason, losing weight for a wedding is a big deal for a lot of people, and will bring about some serious efforts to fit into the wedding dress and make the tuxes fit extra slick. So since there are so many individuals out there looking to get in some shredding for their wedding, I figured I would outline a fantastic plan that I’ve used with a few dozen people to get ready for their dream days, myself included, and to look their best in their ever-lasting wedding photos.

Guys, you’ll like this program too, since your ladies have to have something sexy to look at when they’re walking down the aisle. If not, you might not, uh, “Seal the Deal,” if you know what I mean.

By that I mean sex.

Step One: For the Love Of God, Stop Running Marathons!!!

As I’ve detailed before HERE and HERE, running for distance is one of the most energy-efficient activities you could do, which makes it the perfect way to do a hell of a lot of work and get minimal benefit from it. Think of it like this: Imagine you’re love handles are a gas tank in a car. Think you’re going to burn through that gas tank while driving at an idle, foot not touching the gas, and coasting through the world, or do you think you’re going to burn off that tank of gas by dropping it into first gear, red lining that sumbitch and making the exhaust system scare old people enough to think the rapture is coming? You’re damn right the second choice wins out! High Five!!!

Instead, try opting in for some lung-melting intervals that can have you dropping fat like crazy. The best way to do this is to do running intervals on either a treadmill or a measured distance like a track, at specific speeds and for specific times. Use the little chart here to figure out what speeds you should run at. All the numbers are based on the concept that your top speed for a 2 mile distance is approximately your VO2 max, and the speeds are figured out using an ACSM metabolic equation.

So using this chart, you can figure out where your speed should be when you’re performing the interval series listed below. Heart rate won’t be too important at this point, unless you’re tracking recovery, simply because the intervals will be over before your heart rate can get up to a steady state to reflect the intensity, and also because these will be at workloads far greater than your max heart rate.

Interval Series One:

Warm up 5 minutes, any intensity you desire, but enough to make you sweat and contemplate the physical anguish you’re about to put yourself through.

1. 30 seconds, 125% VO2, 30 seconds passive rest, repeat three times

2. 60 seconds, 150% VO2 max, 60 seconds passive rest, repeat three times

3. 30 seconds, 175% VO2 max, 60 seconds passive rest, repeat 5 times

4. 60 seconds, 125% VO2 max, 30 seconds recovery, repeat 3 times.

Ask yourself why God hates you, then cool down for 5 minutes, simply walking and trying to stay vertical.

Total work time: 31 minutes 

Interval Series Two:

Warm up 5 minutes, any intensity you desire, but enough to make you sweat and contemplate the physical anguish you’re about to put yourself through.

1. 30 seconds, 150% VO2, 30 seconds passive rest, repeat 3 times

2. 60 seconds, 150% VO2 max, 60 seconds passive rest, repeat 3 times

3. 30 seconds, 175% VO2 max, 60 seconds passive rest, repeat 5 times 

Dry-heave into a bucket, then cool down for 5 minutes, simply walking and trying to stay vertical.

Total work time: 26.5 minutes

Alternate these two workouts, giving a day in between to do a weight workout. So essentially the rhythm would go cardio, weights, cardio, weights, rest, rinse, lather, repeat. 

Step Two: Lift Heavy Shit

What does everyone say they want to look like in their wedding dress? Toned. What does everyone do wrong to get toned? Lifting little-ass weights repeatedly to build endurance. Here’s the big-ticket that not too many people think of. In order to look toned, you must have visible muscle. Sure, let’s say you manage to get down to 2% body fat. If you have no muscle developed, you’ll just look smooth and shapeless. Sort of like how Paris Hilton’s skin just kinda hangs off her bones.

To get toned, you have to get some muscle on your build, and you have to increase the neural impulse going to the muscle, hence the phrase “tone.” Without lifting copious amounts of heaviness, you won’t be on the way to throwing the bouquet like a leftie on opening night in Yankee stadium.

Weights Day One:

Decline Pushups (or pushups off a bench if you can’t manage off the floor) – 10-15 reps x 3 sets

Deadlifts – 3-6 reps x 5 sets

BB front squats – 3-6 reps x 5 sets

narrow chinups (or narrow pulldowns if you lack testicular fortitude) – 6-8 reps x 4 sets

straight-arm extensions on a TRX – 10 reps x 3 sets

SB Stir the pot – 10 reps each way x 3 sets

Use soul-crushing amounts of weight, enough to barely finish but with perfect technique

Day Two Weights:

Box 1-leg squats – use weights if possible – 10 reps per leg x 3 sets

cable side lunge & press – 8 reps per side x 4 sets

Dumbell chest press – 3-6 reps x 4 sets

Barbell bent over rows – 6-8 reps x 4 sets

Barbell hip press – 6-8 reps x 4 sets

Again, use the right amount of weight to make small children quake in your presence and gelled-out guidos look at you like you know what time it is.

Blast this program for a month and tell me what kind of sauce you want on your Awesome-pie. Enjoy!!