Army of Darkness, one of my all-time favorite movies came on Movie Central this past Thursday, which meant my PVR began weeping with joy and happiness, and Lindsay had a look on her face that was a combination of “what the what?” and “Seriously, I married into this?” Between the happy dance and the perpetual grin I had all weekend thinking of some of the fantastic one-liners Ash was dropping like plates in a Greek restaurant, she was probably contemplating euthenasia at some point or another.

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Apparently women just don’t get the beauty and insane fantasticalness of Army of Darkness, even though it’s a complete cult classic that every guy can quote ad nauseum. Ladies, if you haven’t seen it before, do yourself a solid and Netflix that, or even rent it through Youtube, but watch it right now regardless of what you’re doing at the moment, because you’ve made us sit through some god-awful chick flicks in the past and you know we hated it but you made us anyway all because you wanted to “get closer with us.” Think of it this way:

Army of Darkness is the male equivalent of Dirty Dancing, Grease and the Twilight saga all rolled into one.

We know it’s bad, but that’s the point. We know it’s cheesy, that’s the point. We know the acting is horrible, and that the storyline has holes in it so big you could drive an Oldsmobile Delta 88 through it, but again that’s the point. It’s so bad, it’s amazing.

Ash would turn one of those Twilight sparkly buggers inside out, and he would single-handedly (get it? If you’ve watched the movie, you will definitely get it) not only get Olivia Netwon John, but completely demolish the entire T-Birds gang with such ferocity and sheer violence that there will be no singing and dancing. Ever. Again. Baby wouldn’t be in the corner, she would be getting her world rocked and Swayze would just have to stand back and swivel endlessly by himself. That, my friends, is Army of Darkness.

One of the key components of the movie is when Ash has to get the book (as well as when he tries to go home), he has to recite the verse “Klatu, Berada, Nikto” prior. Apparently it’s kind of a big deal to do this, because the wiseman makes him repeat it a few times so he doesn’t forget it. Sure enough, he does forget it, and all hilarity ensues.

You may be asking “how the hell does this relate to me getting all jacked and dieseled out and tearing through chain link fences on the regular?” Simply put, you have to follow instructions to get the best results, or else all hilarity will ensue.

Show up late for your session? You still have to warm up and get in mobility work and rolling.

Didn’t prep your food the night before? You still have to find a way to eat well and make sure you don’t go for the McConstipation happy meal.

Didn’t go to bed on time last night? You still have to get some energy to get through your heavy sets. and then find a way to get the best recovery possible.

The steps in any process are important, even if you don’t feel they have much meaning or if they aren’t the most convenient thing to do. If I tell a client they need to do specific self-myofascial release exercises each day until further notice, there’s probably a good reason for it, and failing to do so will result in a calamity of tissue adhesions and overall sucktitude on par with raising an army of deadites to retreive the Necronomicon.

To give you an idea, I have a client who will be needing a hip replacement in the future (probably 10 or more years down the road), and we’re working on keeping him strong and mobile as possible for as long as possible. One of the big complementary treatments I have him getting on a regular basis is acupuncture, simply because it works and gets him some real noticeable results. I’m up to getting anyone doing anything, as long as it produces results, and this seems to work for him. His acupuncturist has taken a leave of absence, and he hasn’t been able to get in to see her for a few weeks, and as a result his hips are noticeably more restricted, which limits what I can do with him and increases his own level of pain and discomfort.

I gave him a list of four different acupuncturists that I want him to check out in the interim period so that until his normal acupuncturist gets back he can get some other relief and help me get him back into beast mode. Acupuncture is his “nikto.”

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When trying to get a specific reaction, you have to follow the plan to the letter. No unauthorized substitutions, subtractions, additions, or any of that kind of stuff. Otherwise you’re going to end up turning a well-meaning workout into a conglomeration of meaningless shite that doesn’t get you what you want, sort of like ripping a hole in the space time continuum and bringing a deadite back with you to S-Mart. Know what I mean?

Give me some sugar, baby.

Oh, and one more thing…..

Last week I held a contest open to my email subscribers to see who could leave the best comment on my “Two Big Events” post, where the winner would get a free registration to the Spinal Health and Core Training seminar this upcoming June. If you didn’t know about it, that means you haven’t subscribed to my newsletter, which means you weren’t able to get in on the goodies!! Get on it, you just have to fill out the info in the little box in the top right of the web page and you’re able to get all sorts of freebies not available to general readers. Even though you guys are cool, people who let me invade their email inbox are way cooler.

Anyhoo, the big winner who gets a free registration to see guys like Tony Gentilcore, Jeff Cubos and Rick Kaselj spread thick layers of knowledge is……

[drum roll]

TAMELA (who didn’t leave her last name. Pity).

I’ll send you an email later today to keep you in the loop and let you know all the details, and will look forward to learning our new BFF super-secret handshake.